English Premier League: The Insults Are Flying…

The football season is in full swing everywhere and fans are going up for it in their thousands at stadia, their homes, pubs and other viewing centres.

Likely you are one of them. And if you are like most Nigerian fans, you are currently rooting for one club or the other in the English Premiere League (EPL), huh? Okay. Our guess is that you also wonder what constitutes the background noise you hear on TV from the fans the stadia hosting the EPL.

Like most fans everywhere, English football fans are notable for not only shouting but singing! Fans sing for several reasons – to encourage their team, praise a particular player or insult the opposition – but one of the main reasons in the English winter is simply to keep warm!

Though it is still early days in the EPL, the songs are already in the highest decibel possible, and the insults are already flying!

We give you snippets of what your club fans might be throwing at their opponents, and what they are giving back in lurid insults!

Insulting chants

Chanting is often used to insult the opposition. If there are not many away fans, the home fans might sing, “Come in a taxi, you must have come in a taxi!”. And if a small team is beating a bigger club they might mock them by chanting “Can we play you every week?” Some of the chants can be quite cruel. Manchester is a wealthier city than Liverpool, so City and United fans often poke fun at those of Everton and Liverpool with chants such as “10 pence, you’ve only got 10 pence*!”

The chants can also get quite personal. If a player looks a little unfit and overweight the opposition fans will chant “Who ate all the pies?” or “There’s gonna be a diet!”. If a player appears to be slow and clumsy you might hear donkey noises in the crowd. Sometimes the insults are too rude to print in the Bangkok Post!
Chelsea fan Chant against Arsenals’ Vieira.

Vieira ooooh!

Vieira ooooh!

He comes from Senegal!

His dad’s a cannibal

‘Who let the frogs out, who? who? who? who?’ As Arsenal (An English team full of French players) come out at Leicester

“Your toe bone’s connected to your foot bone, your foot bone’s connected to your ankle bone, your ankle bone’s NOT connected to your leg bone.” — Aston Villa Fans to Arsenal Fans after their star player Eduardo suffered a horrible broken leg that threatened his career.

In the Liverpool slums,

They knock on the door when they want something to eat,

They find a dead rat and they think it’s a treat,

In the Liverpool slums.
In the Liverpool slums,

Your Mum’s on the beat and your Dad’s in the nick,

You can’t find a job ‘coz you’re too fuckin thick,

In the Liverpool slums– Manchester United Fans when they’re playing Liverpool FC

He’s half a boy and half a girl,

Torres! Torres!

He looks just like a transvestite,

Torres! Torres!

He wears a frock,

He loves the cock,

He sells his arse on Albert Dock

Fernando Torres, Carragher’s bit on the side –Manchester United Fans about Liverpool’s star player.

“Sol, Sol, wherever you may be

You’re on the verge of lunacy

And we don’t give a fuck if you’re hanging from a tree

You Judas cunt with HIV.” –Spurs fans about Former Player Sol Campbell who left to play for another team and then had a mental breakdown.

“Who’s that dying on the runway?

Who’s that dying in the snow?

It’s Matt Busby and his boys

making such a fucking noise

coz they can’t get their aeroplane to go!”–Manchester City fans after Manchester United’s Plane Crashed and killed several players in 1958.

“Always look on the runway for ice…” (to the tune of Monty Python’s “always look on the bright side of life”) by several other clubs also about the United plane crash.

“Two Andy Gorams, there’s only two Andy Gorams”

After he revealed he had a mild form of schizophrenia (it’s traditional to sing a song about a great player like Wayne Rooney and sing “There’s only one Wayne Rooney”)

Lee Hughes is a wanker,

He plays for Albion,

His girlfriend is a prostitute,

Who comes from Birmingham,

She dances on the tables,

Her tits and arse on show,

And if you wanna shag her,

It’s twenty pence a go.

Chants Sung About Other People Who Aren’t Even Playing Your Team and/or Loved Ones

I Love Tottenham More Then You.

Tottenham Spurs fans sung this at an away UEFA Cup match on Valentines Day knowing their wives and girlfriends would be watching on TV.

We’ve all had you’re missus, We’ve all had you’re missus Cambridge United Fans sung this while another Cambridge United Fan proposed to his girlfriend at on field at half time.

You don’t know what your doing

By Coventry fans when a bride and groom appeared on the pitch, away at Charlton. (Traditionally the chant “you don’t know what your doing” is sung by home fans to their own coach when they are really displeased with how the season is going).

Is that all she gets at home? Is that all she gets at home? –Chelsea Fans to a male streaker who had run on field.

“We’ve All Had Your Wife… She Was Terrible”

Chants That Make No Sense Whatsoever (but are sung because they’re funny)

Celery! Celery!

If she don’t come

I’ll tickle her bum

with a lump of celery

Chelsea fans sing this for no particular reason.

Chants About Your Own Players/Fans

Sometimes fans sing songs about their own players. Usually these are simply boasting about how great they are… but sometimes they go beyond simple praise.

Manchester United used to feature American Tim Howard as Goalkeeper. As you will see they were real sensitive about his struggles with Tourettes.

Tim Timminy Tim Timminy

Tim Tim Teroo

We’ve got Tim Howard and he says fuck you!

Timmy Howard

Fuck Off

He plays in our net

Fuck Off

Timmy Howard

Fuck Off

He’s got Tourette’s

All together now: T I M M Y! Fuck Off!!!

Who Ate All The Pies?

Who ate all the pies?

Who ate all the pies?

You fat bastard,

You fat bastard,

You ate all the pies!

In the United Kingdom, fans at football games sometimes eat meat pies before kick-off or at half-time. On occasion there are not enough pies to go round and so any player looking a little overweight gets catcalled with the question “Who ate all the pies?”.

“Who Ate All the Pies?” is a football chant sung by fans in Britain. It is usually sung to the tune of “Knees Up Mother Brown” and is aimed at overweight footballers, officials or opposing supporters.
The Blackburn Family – (to the tune of ‘The Adams Family’)

Your father is your brother

Your sister is your mother

They’re F***ing one another

The Blackburn Family.

Going home to sh*g your sister – (chant)

Home to sh*g your sister,

You’re going home to sh*g your sister,

Home to sh*g your sister,

You’re going home to sh*g your sister.

Leeds United

We’ll Never Play You Again – (chant)

Again… We’ll never play you again, We’ll never play you again,

We’ll never play you again…

(when United’s opposition are facing the drop from the Premiership, they may get this treatment)

We’ll Never Play You Again – (chant)

Again… We’ll never play you again, We’ll never play you again,

We’ll never play you again…

(when United’s opposition are facing the drop from the Premiership, they may get this treatment)

Going Down… – (chant)

Going Down, Going Down,

Going Down, Going Down…

(a favourite with all football fans)

F*ck off to the Championship – (chant)

F*ck off to the Championship, f*ck off to the Championship,

F*ck off to the Championship, f*ck off to the Championship…

(Sang to the likes of West Ham and Leeds and other fodder who battle in the relegation zone!)

Can You Hear? …

Can you hear the (opposition name) sing?

noooooooooo, noooooooooooo

Can you hear the (opposition name) sing?

noooooooooo, noooooooooooo

Can you hear the (opposition name) sing

I can’t hear a f*ckin’ thing (Waooo aoooo (argh!))

You Support A Load of Sh*t – (chant)

You support a load of sh*t,

You support, a load of sh*t…

(This is the common response to the rival fans singing, “Do you come from Manchester?”).

One Stand Bigger Than Your Ground – (to the tune of ‘She’ll Be Coming Round The Mountain’)

We’ve got one stand bigger than your ground,

We’ve got one stand bigger than your ground,

We’ve got one stand bigger,

We’ve got one stand bigger,

We’ve got one stand bigger than your ground!
In Your Cup Final – (to the tune of ‘Go West’)

2-0 in your cup final,

2-0 in your cup final,

2-0 in your cup final,

2-0 in your cup final!

(when United are leading, the song gets dished out as a double insult – they are losing and in their biggest game of the season, their ‘cup final)

Man U To others

You Only Sing Our Songs – (chant)

You only sing our songs,

You only sing our songs,

You only sing our songs!

Our songs!

You only sing our songs!..

Who Put The Ball In The Arsenal Net? – (to the tune of ‘Skip To My Lou’)

Who put the ball in the Arsenal net?

Who put the ball in the Arsenal net?

Who put the ball in the Arsenal net?

Half of f*cking Europe! (this song is a bit dated now but basically mocked Arsenal’s European efforts!)

To Wenger

Packet of Sweets and A Cheeky Smile – (to the tune of ‘Winter Wonderland’)

One Arsene Wenger –

There’s only one Arsene Wenger,

With a packet of sweets and a cheeky smile,

Wenger is a f*ckin’ paedophile. (still sang but rather tasteless and uncalled for whatever we think of him)

To Wenger

Sit Down You Paedophile – (to the tune of ‘La Donna E Mobile from Verdi’s Rigoletto’)

Sit down you paedophile

Sit down you paedophile,

Sit down you paedophile

Sit down you paedophile!
To Chelsea

Where Were You On Tuesday night?

(sang at Old Trafford during the 2-0 win on Sunday 23rd September 2007, with reference to Chelsea’s poor Champions League attendance at home to Rosenborg (29,973 – worst in 4 years) in what turned out to be Mourinho’s last game)

Where were you on Tuesday night?

Where were you on Tuesday night?

(more ribbing from the United fans….)

Shall we fill a ground for you?

Shall we fill a ground for you?
(and even more piss-taking!)

Stamford Bridge, is never full,

Oh Stamford Bridge is never full,

unless your playing, Man United,

Oh Stamford Bridge is never full
Where Were You When You Were Shit?

(chant)

Where were you when you were shit?

Where were you,

when you were shit?
To Morinho

F*ck Off Mourinho – (to the tune of ‘La Donna E Mobile from Verdi’s Rigoletto’)

F*ck Off Mourinho

F*ck Off Mourinho,

F*ck Off Mourinho

F*ck Off Mourinho!
Sit Down Mourinho – (to the tune of ‘La Donna E Mobile from Verdi’s Rigoletto’)

Sit down Mourinho

Sit down Mourinho,

Sit down Mourinho

Sit down Mourinho!

Chin Up Mourinho – (to the tune of ‘La Donna E Mobile from Verdi’s Rigoletto’)

Chin Up Mourinho

Chin Up Mourinho,

Chin Up Mourinho

Chin Up Mourinho! (also sang as ‘Cheer Up Mourinho’)

Mourinho Are You Listening? – (to the tune of ‘Winter Wonderland’)

Mourinho are you listening,

You’d better keep our trophy glistening,

Coz we’ll be back in May to take it away,

Walking in a Fergie Wonderland!

Mourinho You Were Listening – (to the tune of ‘Winter Wonderland’)

Mourinho you were listening,

You’d kept our trophy glistening,

Coz we won it back and you got the sack

Walking in a Fergie Wonderland!

You’re Not Special

You’re not special anymore

You’re not special, anymore!

(Sang at Old Trafford when Mourinho returned with Inter Milan in March 2009 – United won 2-0 and dumped Inter out)