(A Satire On The Political Class In Nigeria)
By Comrade Ogbu A. Ameh
Much criticism has been levelled at Nigerian politicians. They have been called “the worst in Africa”, “parasites”, “selfish”… amongst other unsavoury things. Often times when such scathing critiques are published, all politicians at the federal, state or local strata of government are painted with the same brush. I feel this is unfair, for in our nascent democratic experiment, some political actors have distinguished themselves beyond the run of the mill mediocrity we’re accustomed to.
A special case worthy of mention is that of former Governor Theodore Orji of Abia state, South-East Nigeria. Saying the man nicked named “Ochendo Global” by his adoring supporters was a multi-accolade winning leader would be an understatement. He assumed power in 2007 in style when he won a landmark election with over 200,000 votes more than his closest rival while –get this– in jail! This gave him the distinction as the FIRST Governor in Nigeria’s history to win an election while behind bars. Such an illustrious start can only portend more record shattering landmarks during the course of the regime and Ochendo had not failed to deliver.
In an UN-scientific (because this is Nigeria and who would be bothered to do science?) study conducted by yours truly, it was determined that Ochendo has the most billboards/posters per square foot of pothole ridden road in Nigeria; maybe in the world (global data is pending). This is a truly epic feat when one notes the prodigious output of banners/posters/billboards by Nigeria’s political elites –especially the governors (Godswill Akpabio and Rochas Okorocha bear special mention). It is a truly great innovation in publicity if you ask me, this tact of placing the face of the beloved governor just beside potholes. Where best for the people to meditate upon his beatific smile that when stuck for hours in a muddy quagmire known as a road?
Now you may think Ochendo is like those governors who focus on singular or a handful of sectors like infrastructure, education et al. You’d be mistaken though. Ochendo’s policies had addressed ALL facets of the life of Abians. His mass indifference to the rehabilitation of roads in the state has had a ripple of positive effects, for example;
• Many young persons –from kids of school age to men over 30–, had been provided with employment in the direction of traffic around dead spots on already shitty roads, others were trying their hands as human towing machines for the deluge of vehicles which got inevitably bogged down and should the youths be unfortunate to live off the major roads in the villages, they are not left out of this bonanza as they can widen bush paths and charge motorist passage fees through their makeshift roads.
• Employment isn’t all that has resulted from this masterful neglect. Walking by the side of the roads, as your vehicle valiantly tried to navigate the “roads”. You noticed the incredibly fit physique of the youths in the state. Hours of heavy lifting left most without an ounce of fat on the body, with muscles that are lacking in most of the nation’s slobbering youths. The health benefits of bad roads are not limited to the locals though as many travellers can attest. Every once in a while, the passengers of a commercial vehicle have to alight from it to either push or trek as the vehicle is pushed. This undoubtedly is a boon for the passengers as they get to break the monotony of sitting throughout the entirety of their trip.
• Wildlife appreciation of the commuters is also boosted, as they become intimately familiar with all many biting, piercing and sucking insects that inhabit the thick brush lining the roads.
I can elaborate at greater length on the dividends of democracy brought about by this colossus, but the facts speak for themselves. His visage plastered on larger than life billboards all across the state declares the unarguable. OCHENDO GLOBAL is WORKING!!! This goes to show the depth of low political culture in our part of this world as the people celebrate these opportunists. They create comic relief publicity which budgets often dwarfs the entire projects executed to the chagrin of progressive activists. How long will the dispossessed populace celebrate this class of public fund looters who flaunt their ill- gotten riches brazenly?
Comrade Ameh of Akatekwe Kingdom wrote in from Abuja.
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