By Ivan Grozny
Gather round, Nigeria, for the grandest ribbon-snipping since Samson took a razor to his locks! President Bola Ahmed Tinubu, trailed by a gaggle of cabinet groupies and governors with grins wider than Lagos traffic jams, descended upon Jakande Estate to christen a dazzling 30 kilometers of the Lagos-Calabar Coastal Highway. Thirty whole kilometers! Out of a promised 700! Truly, this is progress so glacial it could star in a Nollywood remake of Frozen.
Picture the scene: Kilometer 8, where the asphalt shimmers like a politician’s promise in the Lagos sun. Tinubu, decked out in his Renewed Hope couture, stood before a crowd of VIPs —governors from Lagos to Cross River, Nobel Laureate Wole Soyinka (presumably there to pen an ode to tarmac), and the Chagoury brothers, whose Hitech Construction must be sculpting this road with the precision of Michelangelo on a Red Bull bender. Works Minister David Umahi, practically levitating with zeal, declared the road “heavenly.” One assumes he’s already designing celestial toll booths with cherubs manning the gates.
Let’s not be petty — this 30km stretch is a triumph of… well, optics. What screams “visionary” louder than unveiling 4% of a megaproject while the cameras whirr? This highway, we’re told, will snake through nine states, turbocharge tourism and make Nigeria the Dubai of West Africa. Never mind that it’s been languishing in planning purgatory for 27 years, or that the remaining 670km might be finished when flying cars are old news. Details, darlings! For now, we have a pristine sliver of Continuously Reinforced Concrete Pavement — a phrase so sexy it could seduce a spreadsheet.
The event was less a road launch and more a circus of self-congratulation. Tinubu, ever the ringmaster, virtually commissioned bridges in Ebonyi, bypasses in Kano, and flyovers in Enugu, all while wagging a finger at developers: “No more payouts for illegal buildings!” he roared, likely sending shivers down the spines of Lagos’s more… imaginative architects. Meanwhile, ₦18 billion has already vanished into compensating those displaced by this 30km marvel. At this rate, the full highway might cost more than a small country’s GDP — perhaps we’ll pawn a few oil rigs to foot the bill.
The guest list was a who’s-who of Nigeria’s elite. Governors jostled for selfies, though poor Babajide Sanwo-Olu was reportedly left hanging like a wallflower at a prom. Aliko Dangote and Tony Elumelu beamed, no doubt dreaming of zipping to their beachfront boltholes. Yet, the naysayers persist. Obasanjo called it “wasteful,” Atiku sniffed at the dodgy procurement, and locals muttered about flattened homes. But why let facts spoil a perfectly staged photo-op?
In the end, this 30km fanfare is less about a road and more about a vibe — hope, hustle, and a pinch of hubris. As Tinubu urged patience, one couldn’t help but wonder: are we building a highway or just paving the road to the next election? Strap in, Nigeria — this tarmac tease is set to be a long, bumpy farce.
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