By Dorothy Ogbole
Being mean is no longer an exclusively adult menace. I mean, right before our very eyes, our society is seen to be breeding monster-kids. Gone are the times bullying was a middle-school problem. The concern has filtered to the younger minds.
What is bullying?
Bullying is an act of intentionally tormenting others, whether emotionally, physically, verbally, or psychologically. It could manifest in different forms, like beating, pressures, sarcasm, pushing, and use of foul language. It could also manifest in any form of extorting money, food and other valuables from persons considered to be vulnerable. It is imperative to take any act of bullying seriously and not just wave it off as something that youngsters should accommodate, under the pretext of “toughening out.”
The effects can be serious and this could go on to affect their sense of safety and self-worth. In severe cases, like we see in Nigerian schools now, bullying has contributed to tragedies, such as suicides, murder and school shootings.
A heartrending incident, which is one-death, too many, is that of young Sylvester Oromoni, a 12-year-old 8th grader of Dowen College, Lekki Lagos which inspired me to write this piece. Sylvester died from complications of beating and poisoning from senior students of Dowen College, Lagos.
It is important for every parent to arm their kids with the requisite information on how to quickly detect bullies and how to defend themselves! As a parent, you owe it to your kids to assist them on ways to handle teasing, bullying, or extreme jokes.
The impacts of bullying range from getting seriously hurt to leaving sad experiences that could go on to affect a child later on in life. Parents can help kids learn how to deal with bullying if it happens. As a parent, my thought process would be to tell my kid to fight back and stand up for himself! No parent wants to see their child suffer and we are apt to thinking that fighting back is the only way to keep a bully off.
In hindsight however, I do know that asking a child to fight back might be detrimental especially in cases of gang-bullying. Alternatively, it’s best to walk away from the situation, hang out with others, and tell an adult ASAP.
Growing up, my Mom would ask my kid brother to stand-up for himself and go fight his bullies and because he was so naïve and shy then, my kid sister would follow as his back-up. Gradually, the bullies backed off because my kid sister, not particularly strong but she was very confrontational and daring, with so much audacity; a trait that easily disarms bullies.
Why do kids bully?
Kids bully for a combination of reasons. Sometimes they pick on kids because they simply need a victim. Someone who appears to be weak and vulnerable, or simply to feel more important and popular.
Sometimes kids turn bullies as an act of retribution. Possibly, growing up, they were victims of bullying as well. In some instances, they go about bullying others because growing up, they’ve been bullied and it’s time to take their pound of flesh. This may look normal to them, because they come from families or environments where getting mad and angry is the model. Some television programs have also been seen to promote violence and hate.
At what point should you be disturbed?
We all tease, joke, and throw shades at people but when teasing becomes hurtful, unkind, and endless, it crosses the line into bullying and needs to stop.
How to spot acts of bullying
Without your child telling you, spotting acts of bullying could be challenging except for cases where there are noticeable bruises. This is why it’s important for every parent to make friends with their kids. Come down to their level and check on them in the most unassuming manner.
As subtle as acts of bullying could be, the following red flags should not be ignored:
i. Abrupt change in behavior
ii. Acting differently
iii. Any signs of anxiety
iv. Sudden loss of appetite
v. Sudden change in sleeping pattern
vi. Loss of interest in fun activities
vii. Refusing to go to school
viii. Unusual mood swings
ix. Sudden drop in school grades
Talk about acts of bullying with your kids. While watching the TV with them, point to acts of bullying when spotted and discuss the issues. Listen to their views and guide them on how to handle such situations if they arise, and more importantly, tell them the ills of being a bully. Let them know that it is important to speak to someone about acts of bullying, whether it affects them directly or they see it happening to someone else.
Kids have several reasons for not wanting to talk about being bullied. Most of the time, they are afraid it could get worse or ashamed of the humiliation. If your kids ever talk to you about being bullied, you better pay attention.
Praise your child for doing the right thing by talking to you or a teacher about it and reassure that child that you will figure out what to do. Take it seriously and don’t sleep on it.
What does the Bible say about bullying?
The term bullying was not used in the Bible but a few mentions point to the act of bullying and teaches us what to do.
- The book of 1 John 2:9 says: “Anyone who claims to be in the light but hates a brother or sister is still in the darkness”.
Bullying is purely an act of hate, which could advance to wickedness. A child who was raised in love would never condescend to bullying. Raise your children in love. Teach them kindness and practice what you preach because naturally, kids would rather watch than listen. They see how you treat your domestic staff. They watch your actions with their father/mother, neighbours, friends and relations. Eventually, you are subtly moulding them into the teens and adults they would become.
- “Anyone who hates a brother or sister is a murderer, and you know that no murderer has eternal life residing in him” 1 John 3:15.
Now this is the end result of hate. Do not let hate take its root in your children, for once it has taken root, you no longer have control of your actions. Your sense of judgement and empathy becomes irrational and dead. You will only realise the consequences of your actions when the deed is done.
- Eph. 4;29 says: “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen”.
This scripture is talking about verbal abuse. Society is full of badly raised children and this began from our inability as parents to instil in them the right choice of words. If verbal abuse is not stopped, it advances into physical abuse. Perhaps, this is where you need to teach your kids to draw the line. Teach them to spot verbal abuses and report them immediately and if it goes on, they should learn to establish boundaries immediately. Who said your kids must be friends with everyone?
For those of us who love to turn the other cheek when slapped, albeit in words, hear this:
- “For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and sound-mind”. 2 Tim. 1:7.
Take note of the word “timid”. Bullies only go after timid kids. Teach your kids to be brave. Being audacious isn’t rude. Being opinionated isn’t insolence. Being assertive isn’t disrespectful. Teach them to look eyeball to eyeball when talking with their peers. Bullies look out for these weaknesses in the kids they prey on.
- Scripture says: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deut. 31:6.
Being courageous is key to demoralizing bullies, even if you’re not strong. A spiritually minded kid is naturally ahead of his peers in all facets of life, therefore arming them with the appropriate scriptures will empower them.
- What more? Prov. 22:10 aptly nails it. “Drive out the mocker, and out goes strife; quarrels and insults are ended”.
Set boundaries with abusive people. Nothing drives them away faster. This brings all insults, abuse, bullying and harassment to an end.
Safety nuggets for your kids
Amongst other safety hacks, you should tell your kids to do any or a mix of the following:
i. Avoid the bully or make sure you are not alone with the bully.
ii. Bullies thrive on anger, so hold back your anger and appear indifferent.
iii. Be brave and walk away.
iv. Confidently and in the strongest terms, tell the bully to stop, then walk away.
v. Talk to a teacher, parents, siblings or an adult.
vi. Be brave and Confident
vii. Promote Positive Body Language
viii. Don’t reward the bully with tears.
Mrs. Dorothy Ogbole wrote in from Abuja.
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